I find myself looking for a new phone, and potentially a new carrier. I tried to check with Sprint, my current carrier, to acquire a discount of some kind in obtaining a new handset after being about 1 year in to a 2 year contract (which they have done in the past). I went to a Sprint store and after being told that I’m essentially screwed and that I have to wait out the contract before they can do anything at all.

Mathematically, I could walk into a Sprint store, terminate my contract, pay my Early Termination Fee, walk out, walk back in, sign up for a new line of service and get a phone for less than what I would be able to right now or even what I would be able to after waiting for my contract to end.

What follows is the chat session with a Sprint rep, in all of its hilarity. Sprint, if you somehow come across this post, here’s everything you’re doing wrong. My comments in italic bold.

Jessica: Thank you for visiting Sprint. What questions can I answer for you today?
You: Hi there. I’m currently with Sprint, and at about a 1 year mark in a 2 year contract.
Jessica: Thank you for your patience. If your question is account or order related, please have your order number, account number and PIN ready.
Jessica: That’s Great! That’s Questionable!
Jessica: What questions can I answer for you?
You: What I was wondering is why I can only get $150 off of a new phone after that contract is complete, when I can walk into a sprint store, pay my ETF, sign up for a new account and get $450 off of a phone
You: It just seems like bad math, unless I’m missing something. Oh, I’m missing a few things.
Jessica: I will be happy to assist you regarding your discount query.
Jessica: Let’s move this chat and make it a window of its own. It will be out of the way and I can stay with you in case you have any questions or any concerns. Just click on the “Yes” button below and we can continue.
Jessica: Simply click on the white “Yes” button below and we can continue.
Jessica: Thank you for moving the chat.
You: not a problem.
You: I apologize if I seem a little frustrated, but after doing some shopping around and a fairly bad experience at a sprint store today, I’m finding little reason to stick with Sprint. I get this is a human (I think it’s a human, unless this thing is damn close to passing the Customer Support Turing Test) and they’re subject to press these idiotic policies. It’s not “Jessica”‘s fault.
Jessica: No problem. Just to confirm, are you talking about $150 Upgrade Savings?
You: Yes
You: Is that $150 in addition to whatever other discounts are available? If so, is there any plan in place for a 1-year upgrade?
Jessica: One moment please.
You: Sure thing… no rush
Jessica: Thank you for your patience.
Jessica: I would like to inform you that $150 Upgrade Savings is the symbolic discount.In this you also get an instant rebate.Over all conclusion is that when you are eligible for $150 upgrade savings , then you can purchase the device on online price. INVOKE THE BABELFISH.
You: “Symbolic discount”?
You: So, there’s not really a definitive amount that I would be getting in waiting.
Jessica: Actually this means that $150 upgrade savings doesn’t means that $150 will be deducted from the regular price. But it means that you are now eligible to get the device online for the much lower online price. “What we’re saying you’re going to get is not what you’re going to get.” Strangely, this is unsurprising.
Jessica: Amount depends upon the device you are selecting at the time of upgrading. “So if you buy a $100 phone, don’t think for a second that we’d be handing your plebian ass 50 bucks!”
You: So $150 isn’t really $150.
Jessica: If you are eligible for $150 upgrade savings then this means that you are eligible to receive a savings of $150 with an instant rebate and with a two-year contract extension. By upgrading online, we waive your shipping and handling charges.
Jessica: How are things coming along? She asks after 10 seconds… I’m still mildly reeling from the 150!=150 math problem.
You: OK, so to go back to an earlier point – at the moment I could end my contract early, pay my ETF, get a new account with a new phone and still come out ahead rather than waiting for about one more year. There was a policy in place a few months back that allowed me to get a new phone every year. Is anything like that in place currently?
Jessica: We recently have made changes to our upgrade program which will eliminate the 1 year upgrade savings of $75 with a new 2 year agreement and $25 savings with a 1 year agreement.
Jessica: Are you still with me?
You: Which, if the previous logic holds, $75 is not really $75. ZING! In any event, what is keeping me with Sprint? If I cannot upgrade my phone at a reduced cost, and my ETF is more than offset by the savings in getting a new account with Sprint or another carrier, what is the advantage of staying with Sprint at this time?
Jessica: One moment please. BABELFISH, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
Jessica: Thank you for holding.
Jessica: I appreciate your patience!
You: No prob! I appreciate your help and time. Please still be a human…
Jessica: Customers eligible for $150 with two-year subscriber agreement can either get $150 off or Sprint’s nationally advertised price on a new device, whichever is better. Nationally advertised price reflects regular price minus all eligible mail-in and instant rebates.
Jessica: &75 is off the regular price of phone. $75 & $25 upgrade savings are no more offered after the policy change.
Jessica: $75*** is SKYNET’S WEAKNESS IS SPELLING. RELEASE THE SPELLING BEES.
Jessica: How are things coming along? Jessica may be moonlighting as a chatsex operator.
You: So in summation, there’s no early upgrade path or any customer retention program in place for someone in my situation?
Jessica: There are over 250 million valuable reasons to choose Sprint. We’re the only carrier that lets you call Any Mobile, Anytime with any one of our data plans. 250 Million? The ad copywriter for this one is really stretching it.
Jessica: Our data plans include unlimited GPS, whereas AT&T and Verizon charge an additional fee every month. When did they write this line? 2000? Google Maps, scallawag!
Jessica: Sprint’s NOW network is larger than AT&T and T-Mobile in voice and data. That’s not hard.
You: Gotcha. Thanks for your time Jessica. You could have just said “No, you’re fucked and our policies are stupid” and saved us both some time. Time that I will use to find another carrier.
Jessica: You’re welcome.
Jessica: Would you like to purchase any accessories today?
You: No, I’m good. Thanks for that. “That”, being the actual, out-loud belly laugh that pitch just gave me.

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